i went to check my last semester exam results just now... I am so glad that I am able to pass all my subjects, thanks to God, and also Jacklyn... I was so worry last night and i message jacklyn through phone, i felt more better after she console me, thank you so much jacklyn for your prayers and support towards me.. I felt so touch.. Last night i can't really sleep, that's why today morning i felt a bit dizzy..
i am now start to worry about whether i can find a job, I am really no good in interview.. During form 6, i went for interview to hope that i can became a teacher, everytime i can pass their paper exam, but when it come to interview, i always failed.. Lack of confidence is my weakness.. But i must try my best now to be confident, in order to get a job.. Really wanted to find a job in malaysia, but my mum want me to find job in singapore, even though she didnt force me, but this is her hope towards me, no matter how i have to follow..
Scare scare.. My last semester exam results will be release on this coming monday 11th Dec!!!!! Why so fast??!! Really stress like mad this few days, eating and sleep alot just to avoid the reality, that's why i gain weight 5kg!!!! 2 days ago, I had been called as fattie by a indonesian girl who chat with my mum when we are having dinner outside... I didn't called as fattie since i've successfully lose weight during Form 6, but now i am a fattie again!!! even though I am now not as fat as when i am Form 6 lar.. But.. But.. I still cannot accept!!
Wanted to search for jobs, but i am thinking, what if i cant pass my last semester exam??So now, I am waiting for the day of accepting the cruel reality of knowing my exam results on this coming monday.. In this few days, i keep on imagine myself that some of the subjects exam results failed, in order to prepare myself, so that when this is the reality, I can be rationally accept it and move on..
All this happen is because of my fault, all i can blame is myself.. I didn't put in effort for the last semester exam.. My time management during the last semester exam were very poor, i didn't complete the questions for all of the papers, and also the coursework marks for all of the subjects that i had took last semester were also the lowest compare to all of the semester that i had took for the rest of my course.. And i knew that it will be tough that i take 5 subjects for that semester, and i must put in more effort, but.. I didn't!!! What a shame!!! All of my relatives already know that I 'finished' my course this year, and if i failed, how am i going to face my mum and also my relatives?? And this will crush my mum's and my grandma's hopes towards me!!
I had already planned, if i failed the exam.. I will find a work near my house, might be working in 7-eleven, while waiting for the course to be offer.. I don't want my mum to pay for the courses that i had failed, I want to use my own money, because this is my resposibility and also a punishment to me..
I am dying now.. I wanted the day to come as soon as possible, but also very scare to face it.. I cant breath...
I'm sorry I've not been blogging. I've been struggling trying to pass up all my assignments and tutorials, trying my best to pass up and work to get off some baggaged from my parents.
I guess this is the end of me of being a suppergal...Karen and I had been a huge fought till a point where Karen said she felt so hard to struggle to be friends with me. Am I really that hard? Am I really that a bitch? I'm only a bitch to my non-existant and non-important friends. I never expect this from Karen. My one and only trusted and the only friend I love right here in Nilai. My bestest friend ever. I force things to her especially this semester because I felt she needs to learn self independence and learn how to protect herself not to get bullied by anyone else because we have limited time left. I will never had a chance to protect her anymore. And day after day, she kept telling me she's not going to keep in contact with me. I dont see that between Jacklyn and Karen. Does that mean she doesn't want to be my friend in the first place? I'm so confused. I'm so hurt.
All these while I am only a liability to her? Am I not her friend? Karen just to you know, most of the time I said I want to do something or want something but actually I presume you prefer that way hence I act as if I wanted it just that you would accommondate me. I know when I ask what you want you will never tell me your true feelings. Am I that hard to tolerate? Am I that hard to accommondate? Why won't you able to trust me? All these while you told me your problems, I suggest to you my solutions. Am I just a punching bag for you to release your stress? Do you not treat me as your friend, telling me to share me your sorrows and happiness? I'm confused what I am to you Karen.
I'm seriously hurt by the letter you told me. You accused me of not wanting to be your friends anymore. If I don't want to, do you think I will write a letter instead? Don't you think I would treat you like how I treat David? Totally ignored you? I'm confused, I'm in pain. You wrote in the letter saying that you never tell me what my problem is and what my weaknesses is because I don't accept critics. WHO WOULD ACCEPT CRITICS? But because you're my friend, I would be unhappy but in the end, I would try to change or at least not do it in front of you because you're my friend. I respect you and cherish you therefore I would try to lessen it or change myself. But you treat me as if I do not do anything to keep this friendship. My heart tightens a knot making me hard to breathe.
Karen do you ever realise you never told me what you really feel deep inside anymore? I give and give, telling you my inner thoughts, my inner secrets because I trust you as a friend I want you to do the same as well. But you never willing to share it with me. You rather keep it to yourself or tell it to Jacklyn. I am too your friend. I'm even angry with Rachel itself because I felt she's not treating you and I the way she should treat a friend and therefore I decided I rather let her go. I'm sorry Rachel but this is how I felt. You never contact me when you come back to Malaysia. We instead heard it from Amy saying that you are going back to Australia again. Do you know how hurtful it felt? You told me that I understand you. Because sometimes I know what you're going through. But when you got a new boyfriend, you went and hang out with him more. You neglected us. We understand you want to spend more time with your boyfriend therefore we never dare to disturb your time with your boyfriend. But did you ever tend to contact us? We wait and wait but you never reply to us. Never contacted us. That hurts us a lot.
Jacklyn, I would apologize for being a bitch, not replying your sms in time, never tend to call you. But this is how I am. I am a lazy person. I would never deny it. But that doesn't mean I do not still want to be friends with you, trying to keep in touch with you. I think of you every day and every night. I still treasure you as a friend.
And did you know Karen, when in the letter you told me you told Ah Liang that you don't want be friends with me anymore and she told you not to. Do you know how hurtful it felt to me? I know you longer than Ah Liang and you're more closer to Ah Liang? Of all the things I did for you, you still trust Ah Liang more than me? This is a conflict between me and you. Don't you think you should tell the main person instead of a third person? I love Ah Liang as a friend but by you doing that, you really make me wonder am I really your friend? DO YOU TREAT ME AS YOUR FRIEND?
I'm so tired, I'm so exhausted. I am confused, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost in words, I'm lost in act. I'm trying to struggling here to keep my main aim and I lost my friends instead? What is that about? I really feel like just left the world....or slice my wrist. Giving up in my life. Why when I decided to trust a friend again she turn her back at me? Why do all my friends do so to me? I don't understand. I don't understand how a friend should act. I don't understand how a human should act. I give up....I don't want to think anymore, it exhaust me. If you really don't want to be friends with me anymore, don't treasure our friendship. I guess I can't force you to be my friend. If thats what you want, I shall leave the group. Jacklyn I will still contact you but I will never be a part of a suppergal. I do not deserve a title to that. I am alone....
The end of Mandy, a once member of the suppergals.
u kinda know when u r overloaded wif uni work when u hv to go to uni on a sunday! no joke...da uni is jus so empty...everyone is at home sleeping in n wat not...wat bout me? hav to b in uni for a group wrk!...n who noes til wat time!!
am now jus waitin for it to b 9am...whn my team mates will come...i realy hope tht it'll finish early...cos i dont wanna b xhausted the nex morning...we hv a presentation tomolo morning, n an asgmt due...how fortunate!haha...
wel enugh of me complainin...at least i hv this outlet to xpress myself...my frens r sick of me complainin out loud...haha
havent been so drained and xhausted in my life b4...las year at uni is very tough...too much workload to handle! or isit tht my time mgmt is not tht gud...sigh
hav so many asgmts to b done...n presentations n u name it...LOL
hope i wil hv the energy to stil prepare for my finals...
how tired am i u ask?....it's like i can fall asleep whn i'm walkin...yeah it is tht BAD!!!haha
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